June 30, 2010

When I writing a lot of these entries I use to always considered the persons who’d say “What do you know, you don’t even have a job” and now I realize they are the same persons first to cry “That’s easy to say when you have a job!” Replace job with anything you are dealing with and there are always those persons who discount whatever is being said, and add nothing of value to the discussion. Well I wrote what is to follow back in June and although it was never meant for anyone to read I want to share it now. Its actually something I randomly jotted down in a notebook I kept for brainstorming ideas on finding work. It had nothing to do with blogging lol. One last thing, when I came back from Ghana I set some very demanding goals to find work by July 1st… this was written the night before that date. I was writing in celebration of what I felt was a job well done. Oh! FYI there are a few sentences that don’t make the most sense just know they are related to the dates in the goals I set.


“So much going on right now, I feel like Job. Over the course of 7 months I have lost or am on the verge of losing quite a bit. I lost my beyond fine girlfriend, my job, my savings, my peace of mind, and currently trying to stay a float with my condo mortgage. Thus far I have been unsuccessful at every attempt to get things back on track. However through it all I was given or maybe I should say it was revealed to me my greatest skill and also of everything taken from me (Even my health & strength was temporarily snatched up from a shoulder separation playing football Saturday) I was left with my greatest asset… My heart, my will to keep going when most would have given in. I have watched dreams disappear and life dwindle down to nothing but a hand full of failures yet in those darkest moments I find it in myself to keep going. It occurred to me that the singer praises God with his voice and the writer with his pen. Could it be the heart strong praises with his God given persistence? This whole time I could not see myself stopping for anything. I felt uncomfortable. Even when I took my shoulder as a sign for me to stop something pushed me to keep going. Something made me get out of the slump and realize maybe instead this is a test to see how I would continue. Seven days ago today I said I would give it my all and at the end I would say ‘job well done’. In the pass seven days I have fought back tears, depression, injuries, fatigue, frustration, hopelessness, and the list goes on every minute of every hour of each of these days. I pondered over the number of jobs I have submitted to since being laid off and I counted those that were kind enough to reply with a denial letter… 250+ and counting. It only takes one yes but good grief, that amount of rejection and let down is unimaginable to bear. To come so close so many times and miss the mark is painful. I said all that to say I think I did do a good job and whatever happens, I gave it my all and for that I am proud of myself. As this race draws nearer and nearer to a close I look back and I don’t see mistakes I see lessons learned and teaching points to whomever’s willing to listen. Well tonight is the night that I celebrate, I still have some work to finish up but I had to get that off my chest”


Now that you have read it would you believe this was weeks before I was ever contacted by my current employer? Sometimes when there is no one to cheer for you, you have to cheer for yourself. If you know in your heart you came with everything be proud of that! Who cares the outcome? Who cares what anyone says?! People are going to talk no matter what happens. I was happy for me and that was enough. And now looking back at it, my effort was something like an iceberg. It didn’t look like much to start with, but if you could only see underwater! Don’t let people write off your hard work is what I am trying to tell you! Even if what you are doing doesn’t seem to be paying off just know eventually it will bring it’s weight in gold and then some.

Is success measured in your failure?

5,000+ positions researched

400+ jobs applied,

200+ denial letter

20+ resume revisions

9 months unemployed

1 offer letter



Success – To stand firmly a top mounting failure. None of the numbers above are made up, in fact they are probably larger. The denial letters are what hurt the most. There was probably one for every day I was unemployed. For now I won’t go into what it takes to make the painstaking task of smiling happen when you receive a rejection letter daily. What is important to explain now is the idea that the smallest number above is the greatest number above…



I do apologize for writing so little. In fact I wrote nothing lol. However, I do have much to say on the topic. It’s just that I have such an overwhelming calm over me, a sense of relief. I can relax, I can slowly get back to a reality that is not consumed by the stress of finding a career. I can see my friends, I can post pictures on facebook, I can go out without the embarrassment of not having any money, I can laugh… I mean really laugh and that feels nice. I am sure I will be in a writing mood soon and boy do I have a whale of a tail so to be continued

Progress

So here it is 2 months out from my initial decision to write mobile applications. It’s been a difficult path to stay on to say the least. Every day I draw from something deep down to keep me going… I think the Bible called it mana, daily provision. I am satisfied with my progress. I read a book of Java and a book of XML from cover to cover. I took the proper time to let each of the advance topics in the later chapters sink in and I am happy to say today I took the 2nd step. I wrote the pseudo code and state machine for my program. pseudo code is basically computer instructions written in English so anyone can understand what your intent is. A state machine is part of object oriented design (OOD) where everything is defined in a number of modules that interconnect like a web. Both of these are brain storming techniques for a program writer to clearly see his idea. I really think I have something with this program, it incorporates all my talents and all my loves. I hope. I pray… for progress

Morehouse Men of Style Fashion Show Pictures

Here are some of the first pictures to come back from the Morehouse fashion show. The camera man was good but he was suppose to wait for my razzle dazzle (as I call it) at the end of the runway. There were a few photographers so I should get more sooner or later.

The first run was suppose to be in Morehouse paraphernalia and of our schools five requirements* I was well read.

*The five wells: "Morehouse Men are Renaissance Men with a social conscience and global perspective who are: Well-Read, Well-Spoken, Well-Traveled, Well-Dressed and Well-Balanced."

Hmmm, not really my favorite. Something about being captured in mid stride, lol

And the award goes to??? The Saint Louis Morehouse Parent Association Rising Alumni In Engineering Award presented by Rev. Dr. Harvey Fields (Pres of StL MC Alum chpt) and Mrs Mary Thomas (Pres of StL MC Parent Assoc).

The fashion show was a great time and very humbling. Thank you Mrs Thomas, Dr. Fields. I accepted the award on the personal premises that I would continue to work hard in engineering and truly earn the honor of such an award. I had a lot of fun though! They basically let us freestyle most of it and I can get really creative if you let me. Plus my Mom was in town so it turned out to be a really nice weekend. Oh! and the food, my gosh. I kept it hood and was scrapping plates into take out boxes lol.

You yet holding on? Well keep on keeping on

First a side bar. I did not know I own a satchel (man purse). I thought it was just a really nice laptop bag. I am in the loop, Saint Louis and there are a lot of youngins out and so I guess they are not use to any business related accessories (for lack of a better word). Anyway I am dressed in a tshirt and jeans which is no big deal but the bag is Perry Ellis and while it goes nicely with my business attire it looks out of place when I am casual. However, I had no idea I was getting laughed at in the streets, lol. The problem is I am too old to walk around with my book bag all the time yet I am in an area that gets flooded with students so they not on that grown man style yet…Darn kids making fun of me!


Everyday is a new day yet the blessing of seeing tomorrow can often be misconstrued as a curse. For the last 7 months I have gone to bed with disappoints everyday on the out come of my job search. However, I get up the next day and TRY AGAIN! Not an easy feat to accomplish by the way. I remind myself that the fight is not over when I am tired but its over when its over. In my case the fighting stops when I get a job and until then my 9to5 is finding a 9to5. True enough some days I do give up, but I wake up the next day with my strength renewed. I would like to share a moment with you where that renewed strength did not return in the morrow. Late February, early March I began to accept that I had failed. I could feel myself letting go, quitting. It was my lowest moment in this experience and my most depressing because I had never given up on anything… the situation seemed hopeless. I had not gotten one reply! Forget interviews, I could not even get companies to respond. I mean, I would have thrown a party just to get an email saying “we regret to inform you”. I am always strong on the outside but that feeling was killing me. But! You can always bank on me to do the unexpected. Going broke, no job, on the verge of losing everything, and a broken spirit to add to the mess what did I do?!?! Spent over 3 stacks to go to Africa, lol!!! It was a game changer. I figured if I am going down I better have fun doing it! But seriously, I have given a lot of explanations of why I went to Ghana and they were all true but the most honest and sincere reason? I had lost faith. My well of inspiration had run dry. I honestly felt like my life (as I knew it) was over but throwing in the towel for me did not mean laying down. It was hail mary time, and if you have been following you know I caught that ball in the endzone! Thank God I am back in the game. Which bring me back to my point. There is no laying down, I cannot stress that enough. I don’t know what is going to happen, but to those who struggle with their own personal battles keep going, keep pushing, keep moving, keep on keeping on, and perhaps some time from now we will both be telling each other “I told you so.”


I think that is good enough. Maybe its a message that is getting old but sorry that's just what I was feeling. I’m at starbucks but I think I am about to pack my laptop back into my “satchel” (lol) and head home. I know all these blogs are serious, but it will be party time soon. I am curious to know myself what tone this blog will take on once the smoke clears.

Head against the wall

I have stood in front of this wall before and watched bricks crumble. I have hit this same ceiling and watched the glass shatter. I have done these things so often I feel a cockiness about it. I have my game plan, a mustard seed, and the determination to see things through. However, this wall remains and the pressure to find a break through mounts everyday. So, I can not help but to wonder "what if that natural fear should be present?" I care about what happens, but I don’t fear the worst. I could hit that wall and break, I could reach that ceiling only to fall back to the Earth and yet I am not afraid. I find that discomforting or maybe the discomfort stems from the fearfulness of others for me (I hope that makes sense). Either way everyday I know I get stronger and my stagnant life seems to be slowly picking up the pace. I wake up every morning and do something job related whether it is filling out an application or researching opportunities off the beaten path. I continue with my dream to be an Android programmer, and I study a little xml or java. Once my brain is full, I go run in the park. If the weather is bad I grab a book and head down stairs for the treadmill. Exercise usually puts me back in the mood for studying so I study what ever programming language I did not start my day out with. All in all, I do what I want…and the best part is I can make a career out of it. My whole life I feel like I have been slow to figure things out, but that is okay. I really believe I have something great to offer the world of software because I don’t have the personality of most people in that profession. I think that alone sets me miles apart. I believe I have what it takes to succeed, but for now I patiently stare at this wall. :-/

Never accept no for an answer (part two)

It's my blog why not have fun!?!?! I was playing in the dressing room yesterday. A taste of what you will get if you make it to the fashion show this wknd. This is my Calvin Klein poise. I am still working on my Denzel glare, lol.

Sorry it took so long for me to post part two. I had a hard time getting the words out this time. However, I still hope by the end you guys get my overall point.


So I left off talking about the discovery of my greatest talent, critical thinking (click here for part one). Critical thinking is a pretty basic skill to boast about. After all, plenty of people think critically. How was I to build upon this talent so that it would be tangible to employers? And the ultimate question was how could I use it to catapult myself into the land of self employment? I figured the answers to these new questions would come in due time, but instead they came in the heat of the night (no pun intended). I woke up the next morning recalling the most amazing dream. I rarely ever remember my dreams these days and I recalled this one vividly. I dreamed, of all things that I was working on a computer program. I don’t remember what the code implemented, but I remembered the code line for line! It was like suddenly remembering how to fluently speak Spanish. To my amazement I recalled everything: variables, functions, loop, classes, statements and so on. Now I never really developed a love for programming. It took too much time, easy to mess up, and besides who wants to sit at a computer all day? However, there was no denying I was good at it back then, and in fact it was the perfect specialization for someone who enjoys analyzing every detail like me. At that moment I knew what had to be done. I was so excited to come to Ghana, and now all I wanted to do was leave. I had work to do, books to read, and jobs to research.

I had a little fire that was beginning to burn and I was adding fuel by the minute! It took me little to no time at all to connect programming to the most lucrative and fun career involving that skill. Telecommunications, mobile applications to be exact! Iphones and Androids, if there wasn’t an app for that I would build it! Here I was thinking big again, and with out the least bit of concern about the possible barriers! I found my mojo, lol! I loved it! I looked up what I would need to program for the iphone and quickly decided the cost and learning curve was too much for now (I don’t own Mac anything), but the Android OS was perfect! I could get an Android phone for cheap, the software was open sourced (free), it ran in windows, and it had the 2^nd largest market share (Crackberry is #1).

I was set! I was ready to take off with this idea as soon as I hit Saint Louis… and that was exactly what I did and exactly what I am doing now. I don’t know what the future holds, but no one will ever tell me no again and make me take the back seat in my own life. I take responsibility for my reality; I am taking full responsibility of my future. So God willing this will be the last time I ever ask someone to give me a job...

I feel like I should end on a quote and these are the two that come to mind (both Outkast)

"Take back your life or survive like a punk"

"Welcome to my life, I think it's time to take it back!"

Android software development kit and virtual phone. I made it through the tutorial and got it to put my name on the screen. Not much but I am on it!